Losing Faith
by substitute-kismet
Summary: Jessie/Katie futurefic. Follows original show story and timeline but set October 2003 - 18 months after 'Chance of a Lifetime'. Jessie's back, how will this affect Katie and their relationship?
1. Sin of Sadness

**Title**: Losing Faith  
**Author**: hayden  
**Feedback**: sure  
**Rating**: right now it barely warrants a rating - T? we might be looking at M eventually but i'll update it as i go.  
**Disclaimer**: as always and with all fanfics, i don't own any of the characters that originated in once and again. ed and marshall deserve all the kudos for their creation. i am merely borrowing them, no infringements intended.  
**Summary**: summary will follow in subsequent chapters but for now have some background and backstory. picks up in october 2003 and follows the original timeline and storyline of the show, all events from the show happened and you will find out throughout the story what happened between may 2002 (chance of a lifetime) and october 2003.

_--_

_I can't throw it away. I want to keep it forever._

The words rang in Katie's ears like the echoes of a past life. It had been so long - eighteen long months if she cared to count - and still, she was haunted by it, unable to escape from her feelings or her memories.

Katie's eyes flickered open, bringing her back to reality for a moment. She could see the light beginning to fade as dusk approached and she shivered slightly as a blanket of cold accompanied the coming darkness.

'_I guess that's your cue Singer, besides you have places to be,_' not that the idea of allowing herself to stay and freeze didn't hold a certain morbid fascination.

Zoning out on the roof of the Leavey Centre was something Katie had done almost daily since arriving at Georgetown this fall - she may not have left at all if it wasn't for her best friend, Tad, and his insistence that partaking in the real world was not optional.

She started the relatively short journey back to her Harbin dorm room, seemingly barely awake as she walked. She glided through Red Square, somehow achieving a state of Zen-like ignorance for the people trying to thrust flyers and petitions into her hands. It wasn't that she didn't care about the Burmese, the War, Nomadic Theatre's latest play or even gay rights; she just couldn't shake herself from this semi-conscious slumber she had found herself in since...well, since Jessie.

She remembered the last time she had felt truly awake - the wedding, when her world, and her heart, had expanded at the simple touch of the beautiful girl who had stolen her heart. Katie's lips curled into a slight smile at the memory of Jessie's hand in hers, a touch that had seemed to her to mean so many things - reassurance, love, and maybe even a hint to their future. The smile faded as an invisible clamp on her heart reminded her that, while there may have been love and reassurance in Jessie's heart, she had been wrong about the future part.

"Katie!"

Katie looked up from swiping her Go Card at the entrance to Harbin and saw Tad beckoning to her from an open elevator.

"Dinner tonight?" he questioned as she stepped inside with him. "We can go to Bangkok Bistro if you don't want to hit the dining hall - I know how much you love those crispy rolls."

Katie looked up into his smiling, eager face.

'_I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for him,'_ she thought. _'He really is a great friend and how he has put up with me this year I'll never know.'_ She mirrored his eager smile a little over-eagerly; a detail not missed by Tad, and launched herself dramatically at him.

"Oh Tad, my constant provider of delicious Crispy Rolls, how could I possibly choose chicken fingers and soggy fries over my one great food love!"

She hoped her enthusiasm would keep Tad from looking at her with his patented concerned eyes and furrowed brow, at least for tonight. Tad saw straight through her put-on excitement, but decided to play along. Frankly he was glad that she was even making the effort to pretend. He knew she was far from okay, but he thought it was progress at least that she was responding to his questions and suggestions. It worried him more than he cared to admit that, for the past few months, most times when he tried to talk to his best friend, he was met with a confused look and a non-committal 'huh'.

"Great," Tad replied. "Drop your stuff off in your room and meet me back here in ten okay?"

"Tad, Tad, Tad. How can you possibly expect me to be ready in ten minutes when I need longer than that just to stare at myself in the mirror in admiration?"

Tad grinned at her, "I have faith in you Singer. 10 minutes!" he called back to her as he sprinted out of the elevator on the fourth floor.

--

Katie lay in bed the next morning, suffering from a mild sugar hangover thanks to the two pints of Ben and Jerry's ice cream - Brownie Batter and Karamel Sutra - she had devoured after dinner with Tad. A great deal of Katie's adolescence was spent building up a superhuman tolerance to sugar and junk food, but her emotionally drained state had made her body more susceptible to external influences - two stomach bugs, a migraine a week and a head cold that wouldn't quit could attest to that.

Mornings had never been her favorite, but Katie could barely stand waking up these days. Sleep provided her a relief from the pain, which could range from a dull ache to something Katie likened to sharp daggers through her heart, and waking up definitely tended towards the latter. Burying her head in her pillow, Katie suppressed a scream, _'When am I going to be able to wake up without having to relive the realization that Jessie and I are over?'_ Subconsciously gripping the first present Jessie had ever given her, a very soft, white teddy she named Gifford, a sob escaped Katie's tensed body. She sobbed quietly for what could have been ten or fifteen minutes, before gradually calming down and putting up the shield that would allow her to face yet another Jessie-less day.

She glanced over at the clock, groaning as she realized that if she didn't get up, she would miss yet another class and she didn't need to be reminded that she really couldn't afford to do that. Her roommate's book bag was gone, as it usually was by the time Katie entered the conscious world each morning. It occurred to Katie for the umpteenth time that she probably wasn't a very good roommate - she knew her relentless depression would tend towards annoying for anyone other than her best friend. '_Hell it probably annoys him too. I even annoy myself,'_ Katie thought.

She let her mind run through the very small list of things she knew about her roommate. 18-year-old Chelsea came to Georgetown via a somewhat wealthy family in Massachusetts. From that point, Katie knew it would get hazy and she felt so bad she almost swore on the spot she would try to be a better roommate. As she climbed down from the top bunk, she caught a glimpse of a photo of Chelsea with two slightly younger girls, who looked just like her. '_Oh yeah, that's right, she has two younger sisters and I think that her mom might be a school teacher.'_

As Katie looked back at the photo for a few moments longer, she felt a small pang. Chelsea and her sisters were smiling and laughing with each other, like they were in on some personal joke, looking like they...well, looking like they belonged. Katie had always wondered what her life would have been like if she'd had a sister, or sisters, instead of her brothers. Not that she didn't love them, but she was closer to Tad than she ever was to them, and it wasn't until Jessie that she'd found somewhere she belonged.

Sighing softly, Katie shook herself and kicked into gear. She quickly changed into jeans and a sweatshirt - thanking her stars again that she is a night-time showerer, because otherwise this five-minute escape just would not be possible - and grabbed her bag to head to yet another long day of classes.

--


	2. Deep Breath and Baby Steps

**Title**: Losing Faith  
**Author**: hayden  
**Feedback**: sure  
**Rating**: right now it barely warrants a rating - T? we might be looking at M eventually but i'll update it as i go.  
**Disclaimer**: as always and with all fanfics, i don't own any of the characters that originated in once and again. ed and marshall deserve all the kudos for their creation. i am merely borrowing them, no infringements intended.  
**Summary**: katie is heartbroken, and a world away from everything she ever wanted. what happened to cause her heartbreak? wheres jessie? and will she ever be whole again? story starts in october 2003, following the original timeline, events and storyline of the show.

--

It was approaching dusk that Thursday, and after a particularly brain-frying section of her required calculus class, when Katie walked into her room and found herself face-to-face with her roommate. She had been both hoping for and dreading this occurrence since the morning after the Ben and Jerry's binge.

"Hi Chelsea", Katie ventured timidly, hoping that her smile looked more natural than it felt.

Chelsea's eyes flicked over to Katie, momentarily betraying her surprise and suspicion at the unexpected greeting. Chelsea had all but given up on trying to talk to her troubled roommate - she had tried time and time again, nobody could deny that, but after being met each time with hardly more than she might get from talking to a brick wall, she had decided to let it go.

"Hey", Chelsea replied hesitantly, quickly following it with a genuine smile. She was neither blind, nor uncaring, and she could tell that Katie was going through a difficult, and obviously heartbreaking, time. There were many nights when Chelsea had heard stifled sobs drifting down from the top bunk and her heart had cried a little for Katie in response.

Feeling buoyed by Chelsea's warm smile, Katie tested the waters a little further.

"How, uh, how was your day today?"

"It was good thanks, how about you?" Chelsea paused what she was doing and looked carefully towards her obviously nervous roommate.

"Um, you know, it was...I'm looking forward to saying goodbye to our general requirement classes. Math isn't really my bag, you know how..." Katie petered off self-consciously as her eyes drifted down to the floor.

It occurred to Katie that if someone - if anyone - from Upton Sinclair could see her now, they might have wondered who she was, because she couldn't possibly be the same girl as the outgoing, loud, funny, confident Katie Singer they knew.

"I know what you mean," Chelsea jumped in, flashing Katie a smile as she resumed unpacking her books.

A few moments of silence passed as Katie built up the courage to continue. She had spent the first six weeks of their living arrangement trying to survive from day to day, which she knew meant she had shut herself off completely from everyone, but she hoped it wasn't too late for her to fix some of the damage she'd caused.

"Listen," Katie began, pausing for a few extra deep breaths and to make sure Chelsea was listening. "I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I haven't been a very good roommate, and I'm sure living with me has been really hard and I -"

"Hey," Chelsea interrupted, taking a seat at her desk and looking intently at Katie. "It's okay."

"But -" Katie tried again.

"No Katie, it really is okay. Yes, it has been hard and there have been times when I've wondered whether I had kicked a puppy in a past life," Chelsea paused and grinned at Katie. "But hey, you've practically said more to me today than you have since we moved in so things are looking up right?"

Katie laughed despite herself, appreciating Chelsea's apparent willingness to forgive her indiscretions.

"So, I was going to head to the dining hall, do um, do you have plans?"

"I do actually, I'm meeting some friends but I think you should come with us."

Katie could see a bit of herself in this friendly and welcoming girl, who didn't hesitate in inviting a near-stranger to join her and her friends for a meal. _'At least the girl I used to be.'_

"Okay, I can do that," Katie agreed before tossing her book bag onto her desk and dropping into the uncomfortable wooden chair. "Why don't you tell me something about yourself Chelsea?"

"Call me Chels," she countered. "What would you like to know?"

Half an hour later Katie had discovered that her 'bunk buddy', a term coined by Chelsea and her friends, was hoping to major in Psychology and History, with a possible minor in Theology. She had been a day student at Andover, groomed to follow her father's footsteps through Harvard and into the business world, but Katie watched her screw up her nose at the thought of that pre-determined path. She had declared to her parents that she wanted to forge her own way, and that Georgetown would be her first step. Katie was slightly envious to hear the smile in Chelsea's voice when she described the support she received from her parents, despite their initial shock and disappointment.

When Katie questioned the photo she had seen, she learned that Chelsea's younger sisters were still at Andover - Megan a senior, Sara a sophomore - and the three of them were as close as sisters could be. They apparently spoke on the phone almost every day, and before Chelsea had left they'd made a pact to have a weekend at their grandmother's Jersey shore cabin once every two months, the first of which was approaching in just over a week.

Just as Chelsea was starting on the story of the boyfriend with whom she had parted ways when they chose colleges a country apart - he had chosen Stamford - they were interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Steph, hey," Chelsea exclaimed upon throwing open the door and gesturing towards her now standing roommate. "This is Katie. Katie, this is Steph."

Steph approached Katie warily but after some friendly small talk, the three headed off to the dining hall to meet the rest of the gang. Katie put on her bravest face and willed herself to bring out the funny, charming Katie Singer, but there was no denying that being in group situations like this was no longer easy for her.

As much as she tried to stay in the present with what she hoped were new friends, Katie's mind wandered, as it usually did, to the past and inevitably to Jessie. Tears threateningly gathered behind her eyes as her place in the noisy dining hall took her back to her place in the noisy Upton Sinclair cafeteria, one year earlier. The difference being the big - and very noticeable - empty space next to Katie that used to be filled by a small blonde girl with the brightest blue eyes anyone had ever seen.

Katie swallowed and forced her tears back down, as she noticed Chelsea throwing her a reassuring smile. Katie forced her lips into a smile and almost succeeded, thankful for her roommate's understanding, but wasn't quite ready to let go of the memories just yet. Being careful to keep her tears in check, she briefly let herself remember.

_The first semester of senior year was the best Katie had ever had. She and Jessie had spent a stressful summer worrying about the Sammlers' move to Australia, but by time the school year - and Jessie's last semester in America - had come around, they were determined to enjoy every last moment._

_Each day of the week followed the same pattern, but at this moment it was a Friday to which Katie's mind was drawn. If she was ever forced to choose just one, they might have been her favorite day - she would meet Jessie outside of the latter's Western Civ class, and together they would walk to the cafeteria, Katie leading her blonde girlfriend to their usual table with loosely threaded fingers._

_They would take their seat, impossibly close to each other and opposite Tad and Russell, while a myriad of hangers-on surrounded them, all desperate to be associated with the most popular people in school. For all of the people talking at them though, Katie and Jessie could barely notice enough to care and more often than not, they would sneak away after a quick bite of lunch for some quality time - both trying to pretend they weren't secretly thinking about the diminishing number of weeks they had left together._

"Right Katie?" a voice floated through the haze of a daydream Katie was reluctant to leave. She would never admit it to anyone, but when she immersed herself in the happy memories she could almost convince herself that it was still her reality. Katie reluctantly brought her attention back to the table, flashing her companions an apologetic smile.

"Sorry, I must have spaced out there. That's what an afternoon of calculus will do to your brain!" Katie exclaimed, transforming into the most charming smile she could manage and watching as the girls at the table displayed some shock at this side of Katie they had never seen. They didn't know her well enough to see through the show the way Tad or Jessie would have.

Another half hour of animated conversation followed, in which Katie was able to keep up the façade of charm and extroversion, before she and Chelsea parted ways with their fellow diners. They wandered in silence toward their dorm room and Katie's slim arms wrapped around her body in an effort to keep the October chill at bay. _'It's still better than October in Illinois,'_ Katie thought to herself.

"Do you mind if we grab a coffee on the way back? Well, not that it's really on the way back," proposed Chelsea as she broke the silence.

"Sure," Katie replied as they shifted direction to head to Uncommon Grounds, home of the best coffee on campus and the best chai tea in all of DC - although Katie was more of a hot chocolate girl.

Coffee cups in hand as they re-entered their dorm room, Katie put down her phone and wallet and sat cross-legged on the floor. Chelsea moved back into the desk chair she had occupied before dinner and weighed up whether to broach subjects she knew Katie had deliberately tried to avoid in their earlier discussion.

"Okay Katie, you heard almost my entire life story but you still haven't told me anything about you."

"Not much to tell, I grew up in Illinois with my parents and my older brothers. I went to the local high school, Upton Sinclair, where my best friend was a jock and Mr. Popular - you've probably seen him around here, his name is Tad," Katie rattled off in a guarded voice.

Chelsea nodded in agreement and Katie was too caught up in her attempt to cover the emotions that threatened to spill out that she didn't notice the slight blush that crept across Chelsea's cheeks at the mention of Tad's name.

"Yes I have, and I've seen the photos and I don't think he was alone in the popularity stakes."

Katie glanced up at the photos that graced her desk of her and Tad surrounded by plenty of different people, all laughing and joking.

"Yeah well, everyone at high school is just trying to fit in and follow what they think is 'cool' - you know how it is."

"Oh boy, do I ever," Chelsea sympathized. "Only I wasn't on the same side of the coin as you were. When you're a day student at an boarding school, with a parent teaching at that same, elitist school, you don't exactly get treated like high school royalty. So did you and Tad ever date?"

Katie nearly spat out her mouthful of hot chocolate in surprise.

"All hail the queen of the non-sequitur," she exclaimed and then scoffed at the idea. "And no, definitely not. Tad's like a brother to me."

This time she did notice the momentary flash of a pleased smile cross Chelsea's features, and stored the detail in her mind for future use.

"Okay okay, I get it and I'm sorry for my abruptness - you'll get used to it. So if it wasn't Tad, then who, because I am sure someone as pretty and popular as you caught the attention of someone."

A pained expression hit Katie's face, but she wiped it clear and replaced it with one as void of emotion as she could manage.

"Yeah, I suppose. I had a…" Katie paused, wondering whether she should share the information she was yet to reveal to anyone at Georgetown. "a girlfriend in high school. She left halfway through last year because her family moved to Australia."

Chelsea's expression softened and she watched as Katie fidgeted with the coffee cup in her hands, unclipping and fixing the lid over and over again.

"Wow. I'd love to hear about her," Chelsea all but whispered. "You know, if you want to tell me."

Katie chanced a look up at Chelsea and was met with a pair of kind eyes that didn't betray any hint of discomfort or judgment, and she felt a small weight lift from her as she realized she had shared her truths with a new friend, who had accepted them without prejudice of any kind.

"Her name was Jessie, Jessie Sammler. She was a year younger than me in school, blonde with blue eyes and we actually met because my buddy Tad had a mad crush on her," Katie smiled at the memory of that day and noticed Chelsea scanning the photos on her desk.

"You won't find her in those photos. All the Jessie ones are in a shoebox in the closet," Katie jerked her head toward the ageing, wooden closet housing her clothes, shoes and Jessie-memories.

Chelsea nodded, but remained silent in an invitation for Katie to keep talking, but she seemed to be lost for a moment and Chelsea was sure she was within one of those 'Jessie-memories'. _'Unfortunately you can't lock your mind up in a shoebox in your closet,'_ Chelsea pondered as she waited patiently for Katie to return to the present.

"So how did she end up in Australia?" Chelsea asked when Katie's gaze fell upon her again.

"Well, her dad is an architect and he and his partner were offered this chance of a lifetime to work in Australia. That was at the end of my junior year, and only a few weeks after we got together," Katie grimaced slightly at the memory. "We were devastated. It was like finding the place you belonged in the world only to have it ripped right out from underneath you.

"Her Dad had to leave halfway through that summer but apparently the school system works differently down there so we got a little lucky. Instead of having Jessie start in the middle of their school year, which would have meant repeating what she'd already done, they made some kind of arrangement with the two schools. Upton Sinclair put her on an accelerated junior program last fall and she went straight into her senior year down there with everyone else in February."

Katie was spent from telling the "Australia story", as she had dubbed it during that last summer, and she hugged her legs to her chest, with her head resting on her knees. Chelsea knew that while there was obviously more to the story, she could feel Katie's need to take a break from reliving it and decided to help her out and end the conversation. She got up from her chair, threw her empty coffee cup in the trash and paused briefly in front of her roommate.

"Thank you for sharing your story Katie," Chelsea said softly as she briefly placed her hand on Katie's arm and felt her flinch ever so slightly from the contact. "If you don't mind, I think it's my bed time. I'm going to brush my teeth okay?"

Katie lifted her head to look into her new friend's caring brown eyes and nodded, while trying to silently convey her thanks to Chelsea also. Her thanks were acknowledged with a smiling nod before Chelsea grabbed her maroon toiletries basket and headed out to the communal bathroom.

As she dragged her exhausted body off the floor, Katie glanced over at the closet and before she could stop herself she wondered what Jessie was doing at that exact moment. The thought caused her to double over, clutching her stomach and she barely managed to stifle the sob that burned the back of her throat as she swallowed it back down.

Forgetting about a shower, Katie crawled up to her bed and sank beneath the covers of her sanctuary, squeezing her eyes shut as she silently pleaded with herself.

'_God Katie, get a grip. You __**know**__ you have to avoid thinking about where Jessie is, what she's doing or...who she's probably with'_

--


	3. Liquid Liberty

**Title**: Losing Faith  
**Author**: hayden  
**Feedback**: sure  
**Rating**: right now it barely warrants a rating - T? there is some underage drinking in this chapter though.  
**Disclaimer**: as always and with all fanfics, i don't own any of the characters that originated in once and again. ed and marshall deserve all the kudos for their creation. i am merely borrowing them, no infringements intended.  
**Summary**: katie is heartbroken, and a world away from everything she ever wanted. what happened to cause her heartbreak? wheres jessie? and will she ever be whole again? story starts in october 2003, following the original timeline, events and storyline of the show.

--

In the week following their conversation, Katie had made a concerted effort in trying not to shut Chelsea out again and they even spent Columbus Day together watching movies, talking, and eating ridiculous amounts of ice cream and candy. As she was more able to understand her roommate now, Chelsea could also recognize when Katie needed a friend or a shoulder and when she needed to be left alone.

This particular day was definitely one of those where Katie needed to be left alone. After a fascinating religion class that Katie barely heard a word of, she strode across campus, intent on staking out her spot on the Leavey roof. For all the purpose of her steps, her mind was barely functioning and consequently she stood staring at her spot, and the closely entwined couple within it, for what could have been minutes until her brain actually registered their presence. When it finally caught up to her other senses, she whirled around so quickly her long limbs tangled clumsily and she fell to the ground with a loud, and very painful, thump.

She quickly lifted her head and turned to see if the couple behind her had noticed, but apparently her graceless fall to the grass was not enough to, even for a moment, break the spell that kept their eyes firmly shut and their lips unfalteringly connected. Katie fought the urge to cry at the display as she picked herself up off the ground and stumbled off the roof and in the direction of her dorm.

As she arrived back at her empty room, Katie felt a sudden desire to remove herself from her unhelpful head space and, even momentarily, dull the pain. She grabbed the keys and phone she had just set down to go in search of someone she knew would be aware of all the locations housing copious amounts of alcohol that evening. _'It's Friday night after all. There's bound to be a hundred parties happening on campus,' _Katie thought as she reached the elevator and flicked the number four with her knuckle.

--

Tad had been concerned when Katie showed up on his doorstep, announcing her intention to lay waste to DC's supply of liquor at any party of his choice, and he was no less worried as he watched her corral a group of seniors into taking their fourth tequila shot in the space of ten minutes. By this point, she had dispensed with the idea of salt and lemon and he watched as Katie barely flinched after swallowing, while her companions coughed through the burn.

Feeling as though this was a step backwards, Tad wondered how much longer it would be before he was required to carry his friend home. He had his fair share of experience with that at the end of summer and the first week of college as Katie had tried to drink away the pain of her breakup with Jessie, but he hadn't seen her drink since the Labor Day weekend when her RA had threatened to report them for underage drinking. Tad remembered Katie drunkenly complaining about the prudish and annoyingly pedantic RA ruining her fun, but he was secretly happy when it caused a shift from alcohol to sugar, an addiction he had more than grown accustomed to witnessing throughout their long friendship.

Tad considered how much longer he would have to stay as he listened blankly to what was, in his opinion, an entirely rubbish soundtrack to the evening. Blaring from the stereo in the other room was the asinine Stacy's Mom by Fountains of Wayne and it had been preceded by Good Charlotte's Girls and Boys and Going Under by Evanescence. He hadn't seen the DJ but he was hoping someone with a less 'Top 40 Pop/Rock' taste might stage a coup and put on something decent.

"Tad!" Katie shouted at him from across the room, motioning for him to join her.

He ambled over to Katie and the tequila station, beer in hand, greeting half a dozen people despite the short journey to the kitchen.

"Tequila!" Katie announced, handing him a pre-filled shot glass of Jose Cuervo.

"Oh no no no," he responded, holding his hands up in the air and backing up slowly. "You know I am strictly a beer man."

"You're a wimpy man is what you are," she taunted him, knowing his competitive spirit would get the best of him if she played it right. She had plenty of experience in using his ego against him.

Katie unleashed her devastating smile when Tad took the shot glass from her hand and held it up to toast with his more-than-slightly toasted friend.

"Cheers," she proclaimed before throwing the tequila to the back of her throat and swallowing.

Katie laughed as she watched her friend, who considered himself to be quite the alpha male, squeeze his eyes shut and shake his head quickly as if trying to propel the burning sensation out of his throat, before chasing it down with a long swig of his Budweiser.

A new song came over the speaker, unrecognizable at first because of its soft notes in contrast with the loud revelers. Tad was sure it would be another pointless chart song, and he was proved right when he realized it was Here Without You by Three Doors Down. His beer-hazy brain took a few moments too long to register the lyrics and by the time he directed his gaze to Katie, he saw her head was bowed as she gripped the counter in an attempt to stay upright.

"Katie!" he exclaimed worriedly.

"Tad," Katie whimpered softly and looked up at him through glassy eyes.

Tad dropped his beer to the ground and wasted no time at all in wrapping his arm around her and guiding her out of the party and into the cold night air.

As they walked through the dark, quiet campus, Tad kept a protective arm around a stumbling Katie. He led them in silence towards Harbin and up to the 6th floor lounge. It was empty at this late hour, with most of the floor residents either sleeping or still out partying. Tad sat Katie down on the couch, flicked on the tv for some quiet background noise, and perched on the coffee table facing his distraught best friend.

"Katie," he ventured quietly, but was met with silence and eyes that would only look at the ground rather than meet his.

"Katie," he tried again, but still received nothing. "Okay, I'm just going to go to your room for a second. I'll be right back."

Tad reached over, gently freed the keys from Katie's clenched fist and hurried to her room, hoping she had a stash of the Nestle Hot Chocolate Mix he knew she loved and reminding himself to grab Gifford, Jessie's bear, and her comforter. Letting himself in, he momentarily forgot to consider Katie's roommate and was taken aback when he walked in to find her in the middle of the floor watching a DVD on her laptop.

"Oh God, I'm sorry," he stated as he saw the short brunette jump to her feet in surprise. "Katie's in…the, um, lounge, I uh just came to get something for her...I'm Tad…her best friend."

Chelsea felt her cheeks warm as Tad stared at her and stuttered slightly.

"Hi, I'm Chelsea," she responded with a nervous wave.

They stood in awkward silence for a few moments before Chelsea made a move to turn on the overhead light, bathing the room in a light she was sure was unflattering and she self-consciously smoothed her hair in response.

"Is Katie okay?"

"Honestly? No, I don't think so. A song came on at the party and it just destroyed her. I'm sure the half a bottle of tequila didn't help, but she's pretty upset."

"Ohh no, songs can be one of the worst memory triggers in a situation like this," Chelsea replied and then continued without giving Tad a chance to respond. "Can I help you find what you came in for?"

"I came in to see if she had some of those hot chocolate things she loves. I actually think it might be best if we bring her in here. I just didn't want to disturb you - do you mind?"

"Not at all," Chelsea answered, bending down to pick up a sachet and a mug from Katie's food stash and missing, in the process, Tad's appreciative glance at the view. "Let's tag team. Do you want to make the drink and I'll bring her in here?"

Tad nodded his agreement, before opening the door for Chelsea and following her back to the lounge.

--

Katie had barely moved while Tad was gone. She had drawn her legs instinctively up to her chest and leant up against the arm rest, but no matter how much she tried, she couldn't stop remembering the song that had stunned her into another round of torture.

'_A thousand lies have made me colder and I don't think I can look at this the same.'_

As she tried to stop replaying the words over and over in her mind, other words - ones buried deep for survival reasons - slammed into her like a freight train.

'_I kissed her.'_

'_I kissed her.'_

'_I kissed her.'_

The thoughts propelled Katie into motion. She didn't know where she was going, but she had to move, she had to try and run, try and get as far away from these feelings as possible. As a fresh round of tears sprang from her eyes, her vision blurred and she stumbled, still inebriated, out of the lounge. She had always been clumsy enough sober, so it would surprise no one to see her stumble and start to fall as she exited the lounge, but at that moment a pair of strong arms grasped her and steadied her on her feet.

"No no no no no," Katie mumbled, barely coherent. "I have to go, I have to go now."

Chelsea stepped in between Tad and her roommate, placing her hand gently on Katie's arm.

"Katie, it's me, Chels. It's okay. You are going, we are all going okay? We're all going to go into our room. It's okay," Chelsea started as she began guiding her away from the lounge. Subtly gesturing to Tad to make the hot chocolate, she walked with Katie back to their room.

Not even attempting to negotiate the ladder up to Katie's bed, Chelsea led the slightly calmer girl to her own bed, laying her down and gently brushing the hair out of her face. Tad returned a few moments later with a mug of hot chocolate and used his height advantage to pull Katie's comforter down and lay it over the now shaking girl. He found Gifford and handed it to Chelsea, who knelt down on the floor and tucked the white bear into Katie's arms.

"It hurts too much," spilled from Katie's lips through broken breaths. "It just hurts."

"I know sweetie, I know," Chelsea comforted her.

"I just don't understand why. I don't know what I did wrong."

Chelsea heard the barely-disguised snort from Tad's direction, which guided her to the right response, despite still not knowing the story of how this all came about.

"You did nothing wrong. This is not your fault okay? It is **not** your fault."

Chelsea and Tad sat with Katie for almost an hour until she cried herself to sleep, which they hoped for her sake provided her with some peace and relief from the pain.

--

When Katie awoke the next morning, with a headache that seemed to pulsate through her entire being, she was momentarily startled to realize she wasn't in her own bed, although she did have her comforter and the bear she could never bring herself to put in that memory box.

'_How did I get here?'_

Katie spent a few minutes piecing together what she remembered of the night before. She recalled lots of tequila and then flashes of crying and clinging to Tad and Chelsea.

"Chelsea!" Katie croaked and bolted upright, instantly regretting it as a sharp pain coursed through her and compelled her to clutch her head. Fighting the urge to lay back down and wallow in her hangover, Katie dragged herself out of bed and over to her desk where she found a note from Chelsea, accompanied by a glass of water and two tablets of heaven, otherwise known as Motrin.

**Morning sweetie (hmm, it's probably afternoon huh?)**

**I had to go meet my study group in the library. I'll probably be home  
late but you have my cell, ****and I expect you to use  
it if you need me ok - no excuses!**

**Chels xox**

She smiled tightly to herself. _'This girl's too good to me.'_

For the rest of the afternoon, Katie stayed in Chelsea's bed - it was just too comfortable there to climb up to her own - and watched several episodes of Friends on her laptop. Well, listened really, as she found it difficult to keep her eyes focused on the screen. When she realized darkness had snuck in, she knew she needed to get some food, which didn't exactly correspond with the comfortable position she had found.

'_Dining hall? No. Bangkok Bistro? At least they deliver but I don't feel like Thai. Oh, I know - Wingos deliver AND they do chicken fingers.'_

Katie searched around for her phone, finding it under the mountain of covers and teddies she had formed around herself, but before she could finish dialing, Chelsea burst into the room.

"Well hello bed-thief, am I ever getting it back?"

"Hmmm, I don't know. I like having two comforters and being able to roll out of bed without taking the two meter dive to the floor," Katie grinned. "Speaking of comforters, please tell me you didn't freeze yourself to death last night."

Despite her attempt to turn away from Katie, Chelsea's blush was evident when she told Katie not to worry because Tad had brought her a blanket from his room.

"Tad eh? Awfully chivalrous of him, I didn't know he had it in him!"

"Oh? Yeah, well uh, he was um, he was very nice last night," she stuttered as Katie looked on amused, before she managed to recover and turn to Katie, shaking her finger. "Anyway, I come bearing food so you'd better be nice if you want some."

Katie put her hands up in surrender and struggled to suppress her laughter.

"No no, I'll be good. I promise! What did you bring?"

"Wisey's. We've got drinks - NON-alcoholic," Chelsea began with a pointed look at her suddenly sheepish roommate. "And for food, there's fries, a Chicken Madness and a Burger Madness. You can choose which one you want. Of course, you have to get out of my bed if you want to have any at all."

Chelsea placed the food on the floor and took a seat, cross-legged, in front of it while Katie reluctantly dragged herself out of bed and claimed a spot opposite, grabbing the chicken madness.

"Okay if I take chicken? It better be, because these just might be my second favorite food in DC - after Bangkok Bistro crispy rolls of course - and you might just break my heart if you don't let me have it," Katie joked light heartedly, but the dark-haired girl opposite her flinched slightly over the flippant treatment of words that meant a great deal given their situation.

"Of course," Chelsea responded sadly before attempting to cover it with banter. "But you owe me since not only am I such an awesome friend that I came home early just to bring you dinner, I am even more awesome because I brought you one of your favorite foods. I'll try to wait patiently for that 'Roommate of the Year' award!"

Katie found herself laughing, truly and genuinely, for what felt like the first time in a long time.

"Yeah, I'll get right on that. But since I have my food now and you're in for a world-title wrestling match if you try to take it off me," Katie hesitated before grinning wickedly and launching in the kill. "you have to tell me all about how much you loooooooove my best friend."

Chelsea coughed, almost choking on her mouthful of food, before picking up some french fries and flinging them at her hysterical roommate.

"Oh you are so dead Singer."

After a mini food fight, well fries-fight since neither was willing to risk their sandwiches, the girls settled back down and their laughter settled into a comfortable silence, which Chelsea knew she was going to break, but wasn't sure if she wanted to in case it went badly.

"Katie," she began as gently as she could. "Will you tell me what happened with you and Jessie?"

--


	4. Healing at Heartbreak Cabin

**Title**: losing faith  
**Author**: hayden  
**Feedback**: i never realized how addictive feedback could be  
**Rating**: we're probably at pg-13 now? let's just say right now that this chapter has swearing so be warned!  
**Disclaimer**: as always and with all fanfics, i don't own any of the characters that originated in once and again. ed and marshall deserve all the kudos for their creation. i am merely borrowing them, no infringements intended.  
**Summary**: katie is heartbroken, and a world away from everything and everyone she ever wanted.. what happened to cause her heartbreak? where's jessie? and will she ever be whole again? story starts in october 2003, following the original timeline, events and storyline of the show.

--

Katie sighed and took a mouthful of her Pepsi before looking up at Chelsea to see a look of genuine care and concern etched on her features.

"Okay Chels, but you'd better get comfortable."

Katie began by describing how, for the first three months of Jessie's time in Australia, things had been great. She told Chelsea about how Jessie had left just before Christmas, but they had been able to spend Jessie's birthday - her sweet 16th - together just before she left and that they were happier than they'd ever been.

Chelsea noted the shy but glowing smile that was even able to make Katie's downcast eyes shine at the mention of Jessie's birthday, but she knew now was not the time to ask.

"It was probably March when it started to go downhill but it happened so slowly that I didn't even notice at first. Ever since she left we hadn't gone a day without talking in one way or another. Most of the time we'd talk on the phone or online, but we traded emails too and there was just never enough time to talk properly. Never enough time," Katie trailed off quietly.

"That probably seems extreme," she started again, looking up quickly and betraying her self-consciousness. "But you have to remember that we were inseparable from last May until she left in December. Actually I suppose we were inseparable even before May. We went to school together, hung out most afternoons after school and usually all weekend as well, so for us even the phone calls and IM conversations were an adjustment.

"But it got harder for us to find time to talk. Jessie was always busy with school, or her family, or her new friends, and the time difference didn't help."

Chelsea could see Katie going through moments in her mind, almost as if she were reliving them to see if she could have done something differently, if there had been anything she could have done to change the outcome. If Chelsea knew anything though, it was that you can't spend time dwelling over the past or having regrets, because there's nothing anyone can do to change it.

"I suppose I wasn't as patient as I could have been," Katie continued. "I just missed her so much and would have done anything, moved anything, missed anything to talk to her and I didn't understand why she didn't feel the same."

Knowing she was about to get to the place she wished she never had to go, Katie began to shake slightly. Tad was the only other person in her life who knew what had happened and that was because he had lived it with her, so Katie was understandably nervous about retelling this story for the first time.

"She found a couple of really good friends at her school. Simon, Danielle and Jess became the 'Trio of Trouble' and they would always hang out on weekends and after school and a lot of the times Jess and I had organized to talk they were there. That usually meant our conversations were stilted and weird. Not to mention they would be interrupted by laughter every few minutes when something funny would happen on the other end of the phone. Those phone calls generally wouldn't last very long.

"There was another girl, Rachel, who was in the grade below and seemed to be on the periphery of the group, but she desperately wanted in. At least, that's how Jessie told the story. It was our anniversary when I realized that Rachel had a crush on her. We had decided not to do presents, because we were saving madly in the hope we could visit each other during vacation, but I couldn't help doing something so I sent a card with a poem I had written.

"What I didn't realize is that I would be upstaged by **myself**," Katie added using air quotes. "On the day of our anniversary Jess arrived at school and there was a present waiting for her - a bouquet of gardenias, a Billie Holiday CD and a leather bracelet. All with a card signed from me."

Katie paused and looked up to see Chelsea with a horrified look on her face, causing Katie's lips to involuntarily form a grim, tight-lipped smile.

"But...but that's so single, white female," Chelsea sputtered.

"That's what I thought," replied Katie. "Jess didn't see it though. She did think it was weird, but she thought it was sweet of her.

"We argued a bit about it over the next month, but Jess was adamant that she had no feelings for Rachel despite whatever feelings Rachel may have had for her - not that she would agree with me on that either. Rachel even added me on MSN and we talked a few times. She was always wicked nice, too nice.

"I forgot to mention too that Simon is gay and Danielle was, at least then, bi-curious. So I think Jessie had managed to become friends with the entire gay population of her high school. It was good for her, I think, since she wasn't out to her family-"

"Wait wait wait," Chelsea interrupted. "You guys were together for over a year and her family had no idea?"

Katie nodded sadly and explained that Jessie's stepsister, Grace, had figured it out and while she couldn't believe Grace could - or would - keep it a secret from their parents, she had. Chelsea could tell Katie wished it to be different, but she listened to Katie explain that she was willing to accept it because she loved her. She knew that Jessie was desperate to live up to her parents' expectations of her and was scared of what would happen if she told them the truth.

"There was this one night," Katie spoke so softly that Chelsea struggled to hear her. "July 18, 2003. A date I wish I could forget.

"It was summer and I'd almost become nocturnal so I could talk to Jessie as much as possible. It was around 3am I think and I had stayed up to talk to Jessie when she got home from school, but when I called she told me she couldn't talk long because she had to get ready - Simon was taking the girls to one of Sydney's gay clubs. Apparently they were having some sort of all-ages drag show."

Katie was whispering now, as if she thought the words might hurt less without sound behind them, and Chelsea wanted to move around to Katie's side to show her some comfort but she didn't want to interrupt the story. She knew better than Katie did that this was a story the heartbroken girl had to tell if she had any hope of moving on, or at least healing.

"Jessie was so excited, she was practically bouncing and I hadn't heard that in a long time. She was certainly never that excited about talking to me. I wanted to be happy for her but," Katie paused and took a deep breath. "Well, she told me she wished Rachel wasn't going because, and this is a direct quote, because _'Simon is introducing me to some girls and I don't want them to think she's my girlfriend'_," Katie finished, marking air quotes with her fingers.

Tears began making their way down her face and, this time, Chelsea responded to her impulse to comfort Katie. She scooted around the food, sitting next to Katie and placing her hand gently on the other girl's knee in a show of silent support.

"I managed to choke out a _'Do you want them to be your girlfriend?'_ and without skipping a beat she said _'No, but I want them to want me.'_ I could barely believe I was speaking to my girlfriend, my Jessie. It didn't seem like Jessie to me at all.

"I hung up from her a few minutes later and called Tad. He didn't answer, it was the middle of the night after all, so I left a voicemail saying '_She's going to cheat on me'_ before I hung up and burst into tears."

Tears were rolling down her cheeks and Chelsea reached her arm around the crying girl's shoulder and hugged her. Katie let her head drop onto Chelsea's shoulder and allowed herself to sob for a few minutes while she garnered the courage to continue. She'd relived the next part so many times, anyone would think she'd be desensitized but those people should know that you don't get desensitized to the moment your heart breaks for the first time.

As if it was the most vivid dream, or more appropriately a nightmare, Katie recounted the story she had played in her mind as many times as syndicated sitcoms played on cable.

_Katie had eventually cried herself to sleep as the sun was preparing to shine over Chicago for another day, and while she wished for a blissful sleep to remove her from her reality, she was instead granted one full of interruption and disturbing dreams._

_It was midday when Katie was propelled upright in her bed, clutching her stomach because of the stabbing pain that had settled there. The sense of foreboding that accompanied the pain was unshakeable and Katie found herself unable to fall asleep again and she counted down until it was an appropriate hour to call Jessie._

_Tad showed up at Katie's door that afternoon and tried to convince her that she was being paranoid, because the Jessie he knew would never cheat on her, because the Jessie he knew was completely in love with her. While Katie appreciated the sentiment, she knew from her body's reaction, even more strongly than she had the night before, that something had happened and she needed to hear it from Jessie herself._

_It wasn't until Tad had gone home after dinner, a meal of which Katie had eaten exactly one and a half mouthfuls, when she calculated it was 9am Sydney time and decided to check online before calling the Sammlers. Jessie wasn't there and Katie wondered if she might still be asleep, but she couldn't get to the phone fast enough when she saw who was online and what their Away message was._

_**r4ch£L: I'm still so majorly happy. I'm studying because I promised  
**__**some1 I would…call me if you need me**_

_When Jessie answered the phone on the third ring, Katie managed a semi-polite greeting before her tentative hold over the anger and pain broke and the words flew out of her mouth, leading the conversation past the point of no return._

"_What happened last night?" Katie shot at her girlfriend with an angry, accusing tone._

"_What have you read? Who have you been talking to?"_

_Katie felt herself heat up and she wondered if it was possible to give yourself a stroke or perhaps self-combust altogether._

"_Is there something to read? Is there someone to talk to, or something to talk about?"_

"Well, you obviously know."

"_Tell me Jessie and tell me now."_

"_I went to a drag show."_

"_And," Katie prompted._

"_Then I went to Gloria Jeans for coffee."_

"_And"_

"_Then I went home"_

"_Any conversations or interactions with anyone or events or occurrences that I should know about?"_

"_You already know," Jessie spoke quietly, and she felt her own heart beginning to break at Katie's anger and the realization of what it meant._

"_Fucking say it, fucking say it right now," Katie demanded in a low voice, not registering that she was uncharacteristically swearing in her emotional state._

"_Rachel"_

"_That is a word, someone's name, that is NOT a story."_

"_You already know."_

"_Fucking tell me."_

"_She came to the drag show."_

"_And"_

"_She slept over my house"_

"_And"_

"_We watched Kissing Jessica Stein"_

"_And"_

"_Went to bed"_

"_You'd better fucking tell me and you'd better fucking tell me right now."_

"_Why?"_

"_Fucking say it Jessie."_

"_I kissed her."_

_Three simple, but resoundingly complicated, words were all it took to shatter the anger surging through Katie's body, replaced with overwhelming pain and agony. Without saying another word, Katie hung up the phone and in one swift motion she threw it against the wall and collapsed on the ground in a sobbing heap._

_She sobbed for minutes before she heard her mother call her name and ask about the noise, which prompted her to action. She swiped roughly at her face with her sleeve, grabbed her keys and fled to the only place she knew to go._

Chelsea found herself comforting what she could only imagine was a replica of the Katie from that day. She had slipped down to the ground, her head in Chelsea's lap, while Chelsea squeezed her arm and stroked her hair. Katie's tears ran freely and sobs wracked her thin frame, and Chelsea found a few stray tears escape her own eyes as she thought about Katie's pain.

They sat in that position for almost an hour, until Chelsea heard Katie whisper once more.

"I haven't spoken to her since August 31st. I don't know if I'll ever hear from her again, and I wish I didn't care. I wish I hated her, but I can't hate her when I still love her and I think I always will."

--

When Katie had showered and was ready for bed, she sat at her computer and stared blankly at the screen. She was exhausted from having relived the painful prelude to her and Jessie's breakup, but she needed to put some distance between herself and the memories or else she'd be reliving it all night in her dreams.

Her eyes scanned her AIM Buddy List, hoping as she always did that some miracle would cause Jessie's screen name to darken and signify her availability. While AIM was the pre-eminent communication tool for maintaining any kind of a social life at Georgetown, Katie had all but given up trying to convince herself that staying online 24/7 and compulsively checking her buddy list had anything to do with her social life.

She knew it was in the hope that a certain blonde with ocean-colored eyes and the voice of an angel might choose any moment to come online. Sighing dejectedly, Katie reminded herself that Jessie had not been online since that last day in August and no amount of hopes, prayers or whispered wishes was likely to change that.

Hearing Chelsea roll over in her sleep pulled Katie out of her Jessie-haze and prompted her to haul her tired, aching body over to her bed for what she hoped would be a peaceful night's sleep. Despite the fact that it had been difficult to retell her story to her roommate, Katie had to admit that she felt slightly lighter than she had before.

As her head hit her pillow and her body curled instinctively around Gifford, the feeling of emptiness in the pit of her stomach seemed to ease very slightly and Katie began to feel for the first time that, maybe one day, things would be okay again.

--


	5. Learning to Fly

**Title**: losing faith  
**Author**: hayden  
**Feedback**: i never realized how addictive feedback could be  
**Rating**: barely PG  
**Disclaimer**: as always and with all fanfics, i don't own any of the characters that originated in once and again. ed and marshall deserve all the kudos for their creation. i am merely borrowing them, no infringements intended.  
**Summary**: katie is heartbroken, and a world away from everything and everyone she ever wanted.. what happened to cause her heartbreak? where's jessie? and will she ever be whole again? story starts in october 2003, following the original timeline, events and storyline of the show.

--

It was early morning, well early for Katie, and she was lying on Chelsea's bed watching her roommate frantically rush around the room, throwing things into a large, purple suitcase.

"Have you seen my gray hat?"

"Um, last time I saw it was," Katie hesitated. "Actually I have absolutely no idea. You're the organized one who always tells me exactly where **my** misplaced things are remember."

Chelsea let out an exasperated sigh, before throwing a balled up pair of socks at the idle form on her bed.

"True. How are you going to survive Thanksgiving without my brain workin' for ya?"

"I guess I'll just have to stay right here all weekend," retorted Katie. "Maybe some of your leftover brilliance will absorb into my brain from your pillow."

Katie laughed at her own wit, but spared a few giggles for her dark-haired friend, who was now pacing back and forth in a clearly stressed out fashion. She pulled herself up off Chelsea's bed, threw the socks into the open suitcase, and stopped Chelsea's pacing with a gentle hand on her arm.

"Chels, relax. It's only one cab ride," Katie said in an attempt to calm her restlessness. "It'll be half an hour, tops."

"I know, but I don't know what to expect. We made the arrangements before...before he kissed me. He kissed me Katie. What did that mean?"

Katie smiled at Chelsea's remarkable success at working herself into a state.

"Chels, Tad likes you okay? He really likes you, and he wouldn't dare hurt you because he knows I would break his knee caps."

The quip earned Katie a small smile, which she considered a success, and she turned back to the bed.

"Aha," Katie exclaimed, as she noticed something gray and woolly in the spot she had recently vacated. "Found your hat. I wasn't laying on it, not at all."

--

Once Chelsea and Tad were safely on their way to Reagan National for their respective flights home, Katie contemplated the five days of freedom, and perhaps loneliness, that lay ahead. She briefly considered burying herself in bed and wasting away to a few seasons of Friends or a gross-out comedy or two, but decided getting out of the dorm and into the real world was a better option.

'_That doesn't mean I can't bury myself in bed later.'_

Stifling a yawn, thanks to what felt like a minute-by-minute recap of Chelsea's date with Tad lasting almost the whole night, Katie jumped on board the GUTS bus heading to Dupont. She was both looking forward to and dreading the five days she was about to spend alone on campus.

Both Tad and Chelsea had invited her to their homes once she decided not to go home to her own family, but she realized she had spent a vast majority of her time since breaking up with Jessie relying on one or the other for her emotional stability. It was time to take a shot at dealing with some serious alone time, even if she had to hang on to the end of that five-day tunnel for the moment.

As she stepped off the bus, Katie took a deep breath and surveyed her options. First stop, she determined would be Starbucks for a Grande Hot Chocolate and she made a mental note to make CVS the final stop before home as she was in desperate need of some shampoo and a stockpile of chocolate for the weekend.

As she sat in Starbucks looking out over the circle, Katie thought about being alone. For someone who always exuded a confidence that would make anyone think she would be comfortable in any situation, it was a little known fact that Katie actually didn't enjoy being alone. The silence of being alone had always unsettled her, and she wondered if it stemmed from how unsettled and disjointed she had felt in her own skin since her early teens.

She knew that, on occasion, she had complained about the people who had mindlessly followed her every move in high school but she always wondered if she hated it so much because it was when surrounded by a crowd that she never felt more alone. It was usually at this point in the thought process that Jessie would inevitably invade her mind. Thoughts of how, in Jessie's presence, Katie had never felt truly alone because she could never have felt alone in the presence of someone who could see inside her mind and her heart without even trying.

But today was not a day for thinking about Jessie, so Katie pushed the thoughts from her mind, grabbed her empty cup and tossed it in the trash on the way out the door. Pushing herself up the street and away from a place she didn't want to be, an emotional place rather than anywhere physical, she tried to clear her mind.

Striding away from Starbucks, Katie noticed a bookstore with a pride flag in the window. Reading the sign, Lambda Rising, she found it vaguely familiar and as she took a few tentative steps through the door, she realized it was a gay and lesbian bookshop.

Pride flags and posters adorned the walls, and a selection of rainbow stickers and key chains sat on the counter. As Katie ventured further into the shop, she saw a selection of magazines - some with titles she recognized, like The Advocate - and various shelves of books with signs like 'Lesbian fiction' and 'History'. Katie strolled through the shelves with purpose, putting her confident façade in place while secretly shaking in nervous skin.

Returning to the front of the store after completing a full lap, she stopped in front of the magazine stand and picked up the copy of the Advocate she spied earlier. She was busy reading about how UCLA researchers may have found 54 different genes that could be responsible for homosexuality and how lawmakers in Massachusetts were fighting about making gay marriage legal, when her peaceful afternoon was interrupted by a strangely familiar voice.

"Katie!"

'_Oh god. Taylor.'_

Katie dragged her eyes up and was met with an exuberant smile and a pair of green eyes that mirrored her own in color but not in excitement. She had always thought this meeting would possibly happen - DC is big, but not that big - but that didn't stop her from wishing it wouldn't.

"Wow, hey Taylor. What's up?"

"Not much. How are you?"

"I'm fine thanks," Katie responded politely, before looking back to her magazine and hoping the other girl would take her leave of the awkward situation.

"What are you doing now?"

'_No such luck. I've never been lucky.'_

It occurred to Katie that she shouldn't have been surprised that Taylor didn't pick up on her subtle hints, after all it had taken a good few weeks of unreturned text message s and phone calls to get the message through the first time around. In a way, Katie felt bad for her, but at this particular moment, she felt worse for herself.

"Not much, just getting off campus."

"Oh cool, so you're not going home for Thanksgiving?" Taylor replied.

Suddenly envisaging a weekend of activities that could suddenly be thrust on her unwittingly, Katie searched desperately for a plausible lie.

"No, not going back to Chicago," she began, and noticing the smile start to creep across the other girl's face, she quickly continued. "My family is flying in this afternoon and we're, uh, driving out to Maryland to see my aunt and uncle."

"Oh, I didn't realize you had family close by," Taylor commented, unable to completely hide her disappointment. "Well I'm not going home for the holidays either. Couldn't face the family you know, so I told them I had to work."

Katie nodded and her mind wandered briefly to her own family and their real plans for the holiday weekend. Her brothers were at their respective girlfriends' houses, and her parents had all but told Katie not to come home because they weren't going to "do Thanksgiving" this year.

"Well I'm sorry to hear it Tay, that sucks for you."

"Thanks Katie, so do you, um, want to grab a coffee? Or, uh, hot chocolate I suppose is more appropriate."

Katie paused and her eyes flashed up to meet Taylor's as she contemplated how to decline the invitation without hurting feelings that had already been bruised. Before she could speak, however, Taylor jumped in.

"It's okay if you can't, I'm sure you've gotta get home and get ready for your family. I just thought it would be cool to catch up, you know. How's things with you and Jessie?" she finished with an artificial lightness that she hoped would seem sincere to Katie.

Taylor wasn't an idiot, despite what anyone may have thought of her poor handling of the demise of her and Katie's brief, very brief, relationship.

'_Not that you could call it a relationship. More like quasi-relationship. Or fling? Just barely.'_

She knew Katie's heart belonged solely to Jessie, and despite still being overwhelmingly attracted to the tall, green-eyed beauty in front of her, Taylor simply wanted a friend because if she was honest, she didn't have too many of them.

"Actually, I do have to get back to campus," Katie spoke, interrupting Taylor's train of thought. "But maybe some other time?"

"Sure sure," Taylor replied quickly. "Give me a call sometime. Happy Thanksgiving Katie."

"You too Tay," Katie said softly as she watched her retreat back out to the street.

Katie took a few moments to run over the conversation with her...well, Katie didn't even know if there was a name for what Taylor was to her. They had only gone out on three or four dates and she would have liked to have stayed friends, but it hadn't worked out. She wondered if that might just be possible now.

Taking a deep breath, Katie put the magazine back on the shelf and headed towards CVS and then the bus stop. As the bus bounced along the dilapidated Georgetown streets on its way back to campus, Katie thought about her run-in with Taylor and the last time they had had contact.

--

_After two weeks of not sleeping, not eating and crying, not to mention phone calls to Jessie every day begging her to come back and try to fix things, Katie realized she wasn't going to change her mind. Unfortunately for her, where most people might have taken that realization as a sign to try moving on with their life, Katie's pain was still speaking louder than reason when she suggested they have an open relationship._

_At the time, Katie had thought it was the perfect solution, because it meant she didn't have to lose Jessie. So she ignored the smoldering flames of anguish in her stomach whenever she thought about Jessie and Rachel, and concentrated on her and Jessie. It wasn't an ideal situation, but Katie could sleep and breathe a little easier when she could speak to Jessie each day, speak the way they used to before everything fell apart._

_When it came time for her college career to commence a few weeks later, Katie's parents sent her brother to help move her into the dorm, as they were too busy. Or was that just disinterested? She was lucky to have her brother though, because he understood that she wasn't looking to talk much, and they managed to pass most of the 12-hour drive listening to music._

_Once she was settled into her dorm and made polite, but very limited, conversation with her new roommate's family, Tad dragged Katie along to the GU Pride's Freshman Welcome. It was the last thing Katie had wanted to do, but Tad had spend the last month watching Katie slowly transition from the indubitably vibrant best friend he had always known to the one that stood before him now, with dark circles under her eyes and a defeated, broken frame. If it was possible, she looked like she'd even lost ten pounds from her already thin body._

_It was at the Pride welcome that Katie had met Taylor. Katie was immediately attracted to her, and despite the nerves, they hit it off quite well. They met up three times that week, but Taylor's shyness and Katie's apprehension had kept anything from happening. That is, until a GU Pride party that weekend when everyone locked them in a bedroom with the specific instruction not to come out until something happened. It took almost five hours until, at almost 3:30am, they finally, awkwardly, sweetly shared their first kiss._

_What Katie hadn't anticipated was the conversation that would take place the next day, when Jessie called to find out how the party had gone. Despite any logical thought processes that reminded Jessie of her part in causing this situation to arise, she couldn't help the feeling of her heart breaking for a second time when Katie told her about the kiss she shared with another girl._

_Katie hated doing it to Jessie, telling her about it when it clearly upset her, but it was the rule they had made when they agreed to an open relationship - don't ask, don't tell, but if someone asks, the other has to be honest._

_It was after their date that night that Katie decided to end things with Taylor because, at the end of the day, she knew her heart would always belong to the girl who had stolen it away in an attic filled with love and the sounds of Billie Holliday._


	6. Punch lines like a heart attack

**A/N:** sorry for my absence - i participated in nanowrimo (google it!) but i am back with a fresh perspective and ready to get into the real bones of this story.

hayden  
xx

**Title**: losing faith  
**Author**: hayden  
**Feedback**: i never realized how addictive feedback could be  
**Rating**: barely PG  
**Disclaimer**: as always and with all fanfics, i don't own any of the characters that originated in once and again. ed and marshall deserve all the kudos for their creation. i am merely borrowing them, no infringements intended.  
**Summary**: katie is heartbroken, and a world away from everything and everyone she ever wanted.. what happened to cause her heartbreak? where's jessie? and will she ever be whole again? story starts in october 2003, following the original timeline, events and storyline of the show.

---

By Sunday afternoon, Katie was biting her nails in anticipation of Tad and Chelsea's return. For the five days of Thanksgiving, the holiday you're supposed to spend with your family, she had made it through without one person who had been her family for as long as she could remember, and another who was quickly heading towards similar status.

She had been lazing around the common room watching TV since 10am, and while students had been streaming out of the elevators fairly consistently since that time, it was almost 2pm before she saw a familiar head of dark brown hair step out from behind the sliding doors.

Jumping up and chasing the brunette, Katie impressed herself by somehow managing not to trip, but still Chelsea was pushing her key into the worn lock before Katie launched herself into a bone crushing hug. An 'oof' escaped the shorter girl's body at the unexpected attack.

"Miss me?" questioned Katie with a brilliant 'Katie-smile' on her face.

"Apparently not as much as you missed me judging by that hug," Chelsea joked, although Katie noticed a dreamy smile and a faraway look on her roommate's face that she was sure had something to do with a certain tall, dark and handsome best friend of hers.

"Hey Chels, where's your suitcase?"

"What? My uh, suitcase?"

"Yeah, you know that large purple rectangle-shaped bag you put your clothes in when travelling?"

"Oh um, Tad carried it for me," she paused, looking everywhere but at Katie. "He's dropping his stuff off and then bringing it up."

"Tad hmmm?" Katie grinned mischievously.

"Well yeah, I mean we figured it was silly to get two cabs when we could just share again."

"I'm pretty sure you got in a couple of hours before Tad," Katie smirked while waving an accusatory finger at her suddenly bright red roommate.

Chelsea stuttered and stammered, while her cheeks blushed even more furiously under Katie's teasing gaze.

"Spill," demanded Katie as she dragged Chelsea to the floor opposite her. Their best talking had always been done on that floor.

"Well," she paused, meeting Katie's gaze and laughing a little at the expectant glee she found there. With an ever growing smile she continued. "You were right, he likes me. He told me in the cab to the airport that he had a great time on our date and he hoped we could do it again when we got back.

"He asked if we could share a cab on the way back too and, well, I was so caught up in the moment that I said yes without even thinking. Luckily there are shops and a Krispy Kreme at Reagan or I would have been severely bored. Anyway, on the way home he asked me to go to a movie with him tonight."

"Awesome. I told you didn't I?" Katie exclaimed and she squeezed Chelsea's hand in excitement. "So what movie are we going to tonight?"

With an alarmed expression, Chelsea managed to choke out a response that sounded something like "wehfdskjbsdkf…uh we?"

"Oh no no no. No way dude. I have been here, on campus, all ALONE for five days and you guys think you're ditching me tonight to go on a date? Nuh uh, I am so very there."

Chelsea softened at the thought of her still fragile friend spending Thanksgiving alone and resigned herself to the idea of a double date - yes double, because Katie's exuberance could occasionally be likened to that of two small children with short attention spans.

What friend could ever complain, though, when they knew the hell she had recently been through. It was enough for both Chelsea and Tad to have their friend slowly but surely returning to her old self again, and that's something Chelsea would remind Tad of when he learned of her intended chaperone duties.

--

As Katie and Chelsea skipped ahead of Tad with linked arms, at Katie's insistence of course, he thought about how good his new-

'_Well, she's not really my girlfriend...yet.'_

He thought about how good this girl had been for both he and Katie. After the way Katie started the school year, Tad wouldn't have believed that the girl who had borne the brunt of a lot of his best friend's emotions would end up helping her to start turning her life around.

'_And maybe a give me a reason to turn mine around as well.'_

Tad knew he had never been an angel. As a jock and one of the most popular kids in high school, he had only ever been rejected by one girl and a small sigh pushed itself passed his lips at the thought of that girl. Georgetown had never provided him with anything more than quite a few drunken experiences either, and while he would never admit it to anyone, he was starting to admit to himself that maybe he had found a girl to provide him with more than that.

A yell from Katie broke through his subconscious thought stream and he jogged to the corner, catching up with 'his girls' and putting an arm around each of their shoulders.

"Don't worry ladies, I'm right here," he said in his best pseudo-sleazy voice.

Without skipping a beat, Katie turned in towards him and ran her finger slowly down Chelsea's arm, declaring to Tad that they weren't worried when he wasn't there.

Chelsea stifled a giggle as a look of shock registered on Tad's face.

"Don't worry my friend, I am just joking. I won't steal this one from you too," Katie finished, winking at him and taking off up the stairs into the movie theatre.

As Tad stood dumbfounded, Chelsea could no longer keep the laughter back and she doubled over clutching her stomach.

"Chels, meet the real Katie," Tad said with a wry, but inwardly pleased, smile as he held out his hand for her to take.

Katie turned around and smiled at her friends as they approached her hand in hand.

"So, the last Matrix or Elf?" she questioned the burgeoning couple, then without waiting for a response she continued. "I think we should see both. See, we can buy tickets to the 8.20 session of Elf and then sneak into The Matrix afterwards. Cool? Okay, let's go."

Tad and Chelsea looked at each other with raised eyebrows and smiled, enjoying being caught up in Hurricane Katie.

As they lined up for tickets, Katie heard someone call out her name and she turned to see Taylor, waving at her from outside the bathrooms. Throwing some money at Tad and requesting a diet coke and packet of milk duds, she wandered over to Taylor and leaned against the wall.

"Hey Katie."

"What's up Tay? Are you here with friends?"

"Yeah, the boys are dragging me to see Gothika," Taylor shook her head with a resigned smile.

"That sucks. How are the guys? Is Shaun still dating that Abercrombie model?"

"Oh no no, he got bored of him after, oh I don't know, a week," she laughed. "Paul's dating this theater girl called Naomi but Riley's still my same old Riley-boy, too shy to talk to **any** of the cuties at Pride."

"That sounds just like him," Katie intercepted. "Somebody needs to teach that boy how to relax, perhaps with an extra special batch of brownies if you know what I mean."

Taylor giggled at the idea of sweet, innocent Riley getting stoned as she noticed Tad and some girl waiting a discreet distance away and pointed it out to Katie.

"Oh yeah, I'd better go. That's my roommate, Chelsea, by the way. Her and Tad have a budding romance," Katie grinned and rolled her eyes. "Hey we're seeing Elf now, but if you wanna join us after we're sneaking into the Matrix. I think it's in 2."

"Okay, I'll chat to the guys. Enjoy your nice, normal, not psycho scary movie."

Katie laughed and, as she walked towards her friends, she tossed out, "You'll be fine Tay, besides you know Riley will be curled up in your lap screaming like a girl. Focus on him!"

--

Thanks to a few minutes of begging, and a lot of 'I owe yous' , Katie agreed to let Tad take Chelsea for a coffee after the movie and walk her back to the dorm alone. It was the least she could do after crashing their date so she linked arms with Riley, who along with Taylor had met up with them for The Matrix, and the three waved the lovebirds off before heading back towards campus. Katie and Taylor spent the whole journey endlessly debating the movie they had just endured - Taylor had loved it, Katie not so much - and decided they should do a Matrix marathon when the DVDs came out so they could settle the score on a few contentious questions of continuity.

Eventually they reached Village C and she bid her new friends goodnight, with a promise that the gang would get together for a mid-week coffee. As Katie entered her room, she smiled as she thought about the day, the tentative steps she and Taylor were taking towards a friendship, and the not so tentative bounds Tad and Chelsea seemed to be taking.

If anyone were to ask, she could almost say that she was approaching a place of, dare she say it, happiness. Her heart may not have mended yet, but she was finally looking to that light at the end of the tunnel with calm apprehension rather than abject fear.

Setting her keys on the desk, Katie disturbed the soothing rotations of her Windows screensaver and out of habit, flicked her eyes over her AIM buddy list. A look of shock, amazement and terror flashed across her features as she froze mid-movement, barely comprehending what she was seeing.

_Jessie._


	7. Collision Course

**Title**: losing faith  
**Author**: hayden  
**Feedback**: if you feel inspired  
**Rating**: PG  
**Disclaimer**: as always and with all fanfics, i don't own any of the characters that originated in once and again. ed and marshall deserve all the kudos for their creation. i am merely borrowing them, no infringements intended.  
**Summary**: katie is heartbroken, and a world away from everything and everyone she ever wanted. story starts in october 2003, following the original timeline, events and storyline of the show. jessie's back, what will it mean?

--

No sooner had she seen the yellow smiley face next to Jessie's screen name, it was gone again. The speed had Katie wondering if she had, in fact, imagined the whole thing but she knew in her heart that she hadn't. The physical reaction Jessie's presence always caused her couldn't be denied - her heart thumped against her chest, a nervous energy settled itself in her stomach, and her head was spinning with thoughts and possibilities, and the unshakeable image of a pair of sparkling blue eyes.

Breaking out of her trance a few moments later, Katie lumbered up to bed, and silently contemplated what had happened. She thought she knew why Jessie had been online. She was almost sure it wasn't random, rather a sign that Jessie knew what day was approaching and it left Katie feeling as though she and Jessie were two fast-moving trains set on a collision course with no escape route.

A defeated sigh pushed itself past Katie's lips and she wrapped herself around Gifford and under the warm covers. As pleased as she was that Jessie still cared, she couldn't help feeling anxious about their impending interaction.

'_Three days until Jessie's birthday. Three days until...I don't know what.'_

Within a matter of seconds the delicate framework of her recovery had been splintered, perhaps forever.

--

In the two days following, Katie tried to maintain appearances with the world around her - attending classes, meetings and group coffees with a distracted smile on her face. She played her role in the practiced manner she had learned throughout high school, and did it all on an auto-pilot setting that allowed her mind to wander to the inevitable.

Oblivious to what had occurred after their excursion to the movies, Tad had put it down solely to the impending anniversary - one year since Jessie's departure - and he kept a cautious eye over his best friend as she weaved their group of three and Taylor's group of four, into the fabric of a support network he knew she could rely on. Whether she would was another matter entirely, but he could only hope.

---

Hanging out with Taylor that Tuesday night - the night before the 12-month marker of a day that held events and memories almost too encompassing to remember - she could barely focus on the movie they were supposedly watching. When the credits finished rolling Taylor's eyes flicked back and forth between Katie and the now blue screen for a few minutes until she decided to speak up.

"What's up K? You seem distracted?"

"What? Oh hmm, sorry. I've just got a lot on my mind," replied Katie and followed it with a smile.

"Let's hear it," Taylor started, and upon seeing the alarmed expression on Katie's face she continued. "Well, you don't have to. But we're friends right?"

"Right," Katie confirmed and sighed ever so slightly. "Jessie was online after the movies on Sunday. Only for a second, but it was the first time she's been online in months."

Katie chanced a look up at Taylor, who was looking at her with a concerned expression on her face.

"You miss her," Taylor spoke, in a statement rather than a question.

Katie's voice deserted her and she could only manage to choke out a 'yes' and a slight nod before composing herself, "It was starting to get better you know? And then, there she was, and it just…well it feels like square one again.

"And I'm pretty sure I know why she was online, because tomorrow is her birthday, and a year since," Katie paused to reflect, while Taylor watched on cautiously.

When she was sure Katie wasn't going to continue the sentence on her own, Taylor gently prompted her friend to continue, "uh, since?"

"What?" Katie's attention snapped back to Taylor and the conversation. "Oh, since what?"

She sighed softly before whispering, "A lot of things. Her sweet sixteenth birthday, our um," Katie stopped, not sure if she wanted to finish that thought. "And it was the night we said our last goodbyes. The last day I saw her."

"Wow K," Taylor cut in with her usual brand of naïve bluntness. "No wonder you're thrown."

"Yeah," she responded with a sad twinge to her voice.

"Okay, that's it. I am borrowing Riley's car tomorrow and we are ditching. We'll hang out, go shopping at Pentagon Mall, eat lots of crap, and then see about what parties we can find on campus."

"Thank you for the offer but, you know, I'm going to be really crappy company tomorrow."

"I don't care Katie, I'm not leaving you to deal with all that alone. You need to be distracted so we are going shopping at least, and that's settled."

Katie couldn't help but smile at Taylor's concern, as unsure as she was about spending the momentous day with Taylor of all people. When Katie agreed to meet at 8:30am, they went their separate ways and Katie took a detour to her spot on the Leavey roof before heading home.

As if trying to prepare, or desensitize herself for the coming day, she sat in the familiar position and let her mind wander back to exactly twelve months earlier.

--

"_I can't believe we only have 24 hours left until…" Jessie trailed off as she stared up at the attic's ceiling._

"_I know. I know. But hey only," Katie paused and checked her watch, while trying to mask the sadness and pain in her voice. "fifty-seven minutes until the big birthday, my own personal day to give thanks for all that is you, and the day you officially become 'sweet'."_

_Katie grinned and received a beanie bear to the head for her effort._

"_Dork," Jessie announced, unable to stop herself from grinning as she rolled to face the girl on her right._

"_Perhaps, but I made you smile so I think my work here is done."_

_Katie's grin faded as she and Jesse were momentarily lost in the meeting of their eyes. It had been that way since the first time they locked eyes, each feeling as though the world slowly melted away and all that remained was the two of them. As if drawn by a force outside of their control, each girl's hand drifted towards its counterpart and their fingers effortlessly linked in a manner so ritualized it had become second nature. No matter how routine the action though, the contact still sparked a surge of electricity through their bodies._

_Seconds, minutes or hours could pass in these moments and they would never know._

"_I don't want to leave you," Jessie whispered._

_Katie brought their joined hands up and pressed Jessie's palm against her thumping heart, while flattening her other hand against Jessie's chest._

"_You're not. You're taking my heart with you remember, and I'll be right here with yours, keeping it safe until you come back to me."_

_Jessie nodded and a lone tear escaped and rolled down her nose. Katie slowly removed her hand from Jessie's heart and stopped the tear with her thumb before leaning across and gently kissing the tear away._

_Touched by the sincerity and emotion behind the simple action, Jessie slid her fingers free and placed her hand lightly against Katie's jaw, drawing the older girl's lips to hers. A whimper escaped Jessie's body as overwhelming emotion coursed through her._

_They were barely kissing, but rather fused together as Jessie desperately fought back the sobs that threatened to break from her throat. Katie's arm reflexively reached over and pulled Jessie closer to her body. The movement awoke Jessie's brain and she pulled her lips slightly back before recapturing Katie's and losing herself in a series of frenzied kisses, each trying desperately to convey the depth of her love and passion._

_Katie's mouth stifled the sobs that Jessie could no longer contain and she trailed her hand up and down Jessie's back, waiting for the younger girl to calm down under her touch. When she felt her relax, Katie pulled back and stared deep into watery blue eyes, whispering a soothing 'shhhh' followed by, 'I love you'._

"_I love you too Katie, with all my heart," Jessie whispered back before closing the small distance and grazing her lips ever so slightly against Katie's then tracing non-descript patterns with her nose against the soft skin of Katie's cheek._

_Katie tilted her head up to capture Jessie's lips within her own. They kissed slow and languidly, while their fingers traveled delicately over hands, arms, jaw lines and hair, and they pretended to each other and themselves that they weren't secretly trying to memorize every second, every sensation and every inch of each other._

--

The next morning Katie sat in the passenger seat of the silver Honda Accord Riley had inherited when his parents' upgraded their car, and stared out the window as they passed the blur of buildings and cars headed to work on their way out of the District.

Taylor was heading into Maryland on a mission to ensure Katie ate a decent breakfast before they began the 'day of distractions' as she had secretly dubbed it. She glanced at Katie, who looked deep in thought, and tried to decide whether to interrupt and start a conversation. It briefly occurred to her that any conversation she attempted with the distracted Katie, was unlikely to last very long and decided to leave her with her thoughts until they reached their destination.

Ever since she awoke from her restless sleep, Katie's thoughts had been consumed by Jessie and speculation about what would happen. Things were going to change this day, this day that would always mean more to her than any other, and she was mostly wondering how and when it would happen.

In a stroke of perfect timing, although Katie had never believed anything that happened between her and Jessie was coincidence, Taylor had just pulled into the IHOP parking lot when Katie's phone began the ring.

The girls shared a glance, before Taylor put her hand on Katie's knee and said with a reassuring smile, "I'm going to pee, I'll be inside if you need me."

Katie struggled to return the smile before taking a deep breath and trying to steady her shaking hand as she answered the call.

"Hello?"

"Hi Katie."

"Jess," she breathed quietly as a storm of powerful emotions hit her like a boat being tossed around in a violent storm. "I didn't know if you were going to call."

"Of course I called. Today's a year since," she trailed off quietly.

"I know," Katie quickly countered and was greeted with a few moments of silence.

"Happy Birthday Jess."

"Thank you," she answered somewhat formally. "Although it's over soon."

"Right, the time difference," Katie confirmed.

"So how are you?"

"Really?" Katie couldn't help but bite back as a wave of anger broke out from the rest.

"Okay, I'm sorry. I just want to know that you're okay, or…I hoped you were doing better."

As if feeling her heart break all over again, Katie had to resist the urge to hang up and throw her phone as the realization behind Jessie's words seeped through. _'She wants me to be over it, like she is,' _Katie thought bitterly.

"I'm fine," Katie announced stoically, and continued before Jessie could ask anything further. "How was your birthday? Did your dad make a big deal since he wasn't here last year?"

"Of course," Jessie exclaimed. "Colin somehow booked us the entire revolving restaurant in Sydney Tower, which is the city's highest building and overloo-"

"I know what Sydney Tower is," Katie interrupted, having familiarized herself with almost all of Sydney in books and on the internet while planning the trip she was never able to take.

"Oh, um, sorry. Anyway, it was amazing but Grace had a panic attack when the elevator stopped for a few minutes on its way to the top," Jessie laughed at the memory of her neurotic step-sister breathing into the Starbucks bag that had, until she began hyperventilating, housed the brownie Zoe had insisted she wanted after lunch and ended up not eating.

"Sounds great Jessie," Katie responded, her anger dissipating and being replaced by the sadness of knowing she wasn't there, and may never be there again, to share in Sammler-family celebrations.

"Yeah, " Jessie trailed off quietly.

The silence was broken after a few seconds as Jessie ventured softly, "I miss you Katie,"

--


	8. Innocence can never last

**Title:** losing faith  
**Author:** hayden  
**Feedback:** yes please  
**Rating:** PG  
**Disclaimer:** as always and with all fanfics, i don't own any of the characters that originated in once and again. ed and marshall deserve all the kudos for their creation. i am merely borrowing them, no infringements intended.  
**Summary: **katie is heartbroken, and a world away from everything and everyone she ever wanted. story starts in october 2003, following the original timeline, events and storyline of the show. jessie's back, what will it mean?

--

The silence was broken after a few seconds as Jessie ventured softly, "I miss you Katie."

Anger surged once more, and dozens of responses tore through Katie's mind, _'Oh, now you miss me? What, got dumped by your Aussie girlfriend? Well too little too late, because I don't miss you Jessie.' _She smiled ruefully at that last thought, knowing it couldn't be further from the truth, and let out an audible sigh.

"I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't..."

"No, maybe you shouldn't. Why did you call Jess?"

"I...I just...it's a year since um, and I didn't want you to think I'd forgotten. It's like an anniversary, you know, and I..." she trailed off.

"So you wanted to take a trip down memory lane or what?" Katie knew she was being unnecessarily harsh, but she couldn't control the anger and bitterness that was burning to the surface after their long period of silence.

"I don't know what I wanted," Jessie responded quietly. "I just missed hearing your voice."

"You did this Jessie!"

"I never meant to hurt you."

Feeling all her patience snap, Katie responded to her initial urge and hung up on Jessie as tears sprang from her eyes. She felt the sobs overtake her as she replayed the words over in her brain. She remembered them well from one of the conversations she and Jessie had had just after the infamous night.

--

"_I never meant to hurt you Katie."_

"_Are you kidding? Don't insult me like that Jessie."_

"_I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Katie. I wasn't going to tell you, I just-"_

"_You what?" interrupted Katie as she quietly filled with rage that threatened to explode. "What do you mean you weren't going to tell me? What were you going to do? Just stay with me and have both of us? Huh?"_

_Katie heard Jessie crying as she responded, "No, I don't know. I just don't want to lose you Katie."_

--

Katie's thoughts were interrupted by her ringing cell phone. She tried, unsuccessfully, to quell the tears that were still falling as she answered.

"Katie? Are you okay?" Jessie panicked as she heard muffled sobs through the older girl's greeting.

"Yeah, sorry."

"Don't, you have nothing to be sorry about. **I'm** sorry Katie."

For a few moments, the two girls relaxed and allowed the conversation to descend into silence. It was silence they knew wouldn't last, but for a short moment, they simply enjoyed it.

When Katie's tears began to subside, Jessie broke the silence once more.

"Guess what?"

"What's that?"

"I am officially a high school graduate!"

"Oh, that's right. Congratulations. When did you finish?"

"Well, classes ended in September, but my last exam was about a month ago. I had the worst timetable, all six of my exams in the first two weeks. Everybody else's was more spaced out."

"That sucks, although it's good to get them out of the way."

"For you maybe," Jessie teased playfully. "You've always aced exams with, like, no preparation. I need lots of study time."

"Oh yeah sure Jess, says you who skipped most of eleventh grade and still topped the HSC trials in how many subjects again? Three?"

"It was two," Jessie replied bashfully. "But these exams are so stressful Katie, you have no idea. They alone make up fifty percent of the mark that determines whether or not I get into university.

"Way too much pressure if you ask me," she finished emphatically.

Katie felt a slight tug at her heart as Jessie mentioned university. It reminded her far too much of the exact moment she realized Jessie was slipping away from her.

--

_From the moment they were separated, Jessie and Katie had been planning their reunion and they were counting down to the time when Jessie would graduate and come home to join Katie at Brown. Things changed, however, when Katie began to notice small comments from Jessie about how great a certain program was at an Australian university, or how Rick wanted her to stay there for university._

_It was an otherwise uneventful Tuesday when Katie, bringing up that she had received her acceptance to Brown, was greeted with a hesitant and awkward "congratulations Katie"._

--

Breaking out of her trance, Katie responded, "I'm sure you did great. When do you get your results?"

"Three weeks."

"Where have you applied?" Katie asked hesitantly, knowing she needed to know, but wishing she didn't. A moment of awkward silence passed between them before Jessie answered in a hurried, nervous voice.

"Um, I've applied to Sydney, ANU, Monash and a couple of others."

"Sounds good."

"I really do miss you Katie," Jessie blurted out. "Sorry."

Immediately, Katie was at war with herself. It had been like this before they stopped talking, with Jessie invoking such a wide variety of feelings - from bitterness and anger to overwhelming sadness or (annoyingly) unending devotion - and it seemed completely random to Katie which would end up as the winner.

Anger tore at the edges of her mind, but tears betrayed her as they fell silently from her expressive green eyes.

"I miss you too," Katie whispered, half of her hoping it was too quiet for Jessie to hear.

--

_When her eyes fluttered open for the first time as a sixteen year old, Jessie sighed contentedly and snuggled closer into the warm body behind her. She felt Katie's arms tighten around her in response and a lazy grin spread across her face._

_She would miss waking up like this, in the arms of the most beautiful girl in the whole world. Her girl. She pushed the thought away that this was the last time it would happen for at least a year before it could ruin her happiness in the moment._

_Karen had allowed Jessie to spend the night with Katie on the eve of her birthday on the proviso that she spent a mother-daughter night with Jessie on her birthday. Given that Jessie was flying out the next day, the girls had decided they couldn't spend their last night anywhere other than the attic - regardless of the fact it was mostly full of boxes and suitcases._

_It had seen the most momentous and meaningful moments of their relationship, from the tentative steps they took towards becoming more than friends to their first kiss. It had witnessed a million nights they spent wrapped up in bed, wrapped up in each other, sharing their thoughts, their secrets, and falling in love._

_Jessie felt Katie's lips against the skin behind her ear, placing three soft kisses before whispering, "Good morning birthday girl."_

"_Mmm, good morning," Jessie groaned as she rolled over to face her adoring girlfriend._

"_Are you ready to be spoiled?" Katie asked as she trailed her fingertip lightly up and down Jessie's arm._

"_Spoiled? Really?"_

"_But of course," Katie replied, indignant. "It's only the most special day of the year. Now, I believe you have something waiting downstairs for you so we'd better get up and get moving missy."_

_Jessie pouted at the idea of leaving their sanctuary and Katie, understanding her feelings perfectly, leaned in to softly capture the pout between her lips. Reluctantly pulling back, Katie stared deeply into big blue eyes._

"_I promise there'll be more us time later. Now let's go before they come looking for us!"_

_Following a breakfast feast with Eli, Lily, Grace, Zoe and Judy, not to mention the opening of several very exciting sweet sixteen gifts, Jessie and Katie had showered and escaped the last-minute packing mania of the Sammler/Manning household._

_When Katie attempted to leave Jessie at her mother's house, even just for ten minutes, she was met with staunch opposition and it was this stubbornness that led to Jessie sitting in Katie's car with her hands reluctantly covering her eyes._

_Katie had insisted that it was necessary if Jessie were to accompany her on her gathering mission and Jessie's curiosity burned almost to the point she thought she could convince herself it wouldn't hurt to take a peek. As a distraction, she squeezed her blue eyes shut and remembered all the moments she and Katie had spent together in the countdown to this, their last day together._

_Hearing the trunk slam, Jessie breathed a sigh of relief and flexed her fingers, preparing to return to the sighted world._

"_Nuh uh," came through the driver's door as Katie opened it and climbed in. "One more minute."_

_Jessie groaned and was about to ask why she still needed to cover her eyes, when she suddenly felt warm breath puff against her neck. Her muscles tensed and she could feel fingers ghosting across her cheeks and down her jaw line._

_Katie heard Jessie's sharp intake of breath when she moved her lips to the other side of the blonde's neck and held them millimeters from her skin. Her breathing shallow and jagged, Jessie fought the urge to pull Katie's lips to her own and kiss her senseless as she felt Katie place several soft kisses across her neck._

_It took a few moments for Jessie to realize when Katie moved away, but her breathing refused to return to normal as a tingling warmth settled in her belly._

"_You can open your eyes now Jess," Katie chuckled as she buckled her seat belt and eased out of her driveway._

_The teasing remark earned Katie a mock glare, and she reached over to take Jessie's hand in her own. Linking their fingers, she brought them up to her lips and whispered 'I love you' into them, effectively ending any animosity - real or pretend._

_As the morning drew to a close, Katie had already surprised Jessie with a stuffed Chicago bull and a CD she'd made of songs that were special to them. They had watched the first Harry Potter for the millionth time, wrapped in each other's arms, and spent a large amount of time being unable to draw their eyes from each other._

"_Are you ready for lunch beautiful?" Katie asked as she felt her stomach emit a low grumble._

"_Well it sounds like you are," Jessie teased as she threw herself on Katie and tickled her mercilessly. Katie shrieked and struggled against the surprise attack that ended with them unceremoniously falling in a heap on the floor. They stayed like that while their giggles subsided until Katie dragged herself up and bowed low in front of the blonde._

"_Lunch time my fair maiden?"_

"_Why thank you," Jessie replied as she used Katie's outstretched hand to draw herself upright._

_Walking into the dining room, Jessie gasped as she saw a blanket on the floor, complete with picnic basket, unlit candles and rose petals. She looked over at Katie, her heart feeling as though it would burst with the love she felt for the girl staring shyly at her feet. _

_She drew Katie's eyes up to meet her own and kissed her softly, "I love you."_

"_I love you too Jessie, with all my heart," Katie replied, all traces of shyness disappearing as she dragged the birthday girl down to sit cross-legged on the blanket and began lighting the candles that surrounded them._

_Together they shared a final supper, a feast of all of Jessie's favorite foods with romantic touches, like chocolate covered strawberries and mini birthday cupcakes, thrown in for good measure. When they had stuffed themselves to the brim, Katie told Jessie she had one final birthday present._

"_Katie, no! You've already done so much."_

"_Nonsense. I told you I was going to spoil you," Katie replied, preparing to stand and retrieve the gift._

"_You're amazing. Thank you for this. I'm just going to clean this up before Mom comes home."_

"_Nope," Katie replied. "I packed a picnic for a reason."_

_She helped Jessie up, rolled everything inside the blanket and dumped it inside the basket, smiling proudly at her clean-up job._

"_You're a dork," smiled Jessie. "Bring it up to my room so my mom doesn't see it."_

_Ignoring the pang in her stomach at having to hide their romantic activities, Katie winked and shot back, "that's twice in two days Jess, you'd better watch what you call me."_

_Lying on her childhood bed with her first love, the first person to make her feel as though she belonged, Jessie couldn't help the string of insecurities from spewing forth._

"_We're going to talk right? Every day? And you'll come visit soon? And we're still going to Brown together aren't we? And…and," she trailed off to barely a whisper. "You won't forget me?"_

"_Jess," Katie whispered, her voice soaked in seriousness. "Jess, look at me. I could never, ever forget you."_

_She punctuated her statement with a kiss to Jessie's forehead._

"_And we will talk every single day," she paused, kissing her on the cheek._

"_And I am already saving to come see you," she smiled and kissed Jessie's nose._

"_And I sent my application to Brown last week."_

_Jessie opened her mouth to respond but was cut off by Katie's lips meeting her own. She forgot the words she had planned to say, perhaps all the words she had ever known, when she felt Katie shift her weight to hold herself above Jessie._

_She felt Katie's arms quiver slightly with the effort as they continued kissing, and responded by reaching her fingers down to the outside of Katie's thighs and running them slowly over her hips, up her sides and onto her back. She pulled Katie down, reveling in the feeling of their bodies being so close._

_After several minutes of heated kissing, Jessie slid her hands under Katie's shirt and traced patterns on her skin, delighting in the goose bumps that broke out under her touch. Katie sensed the purpose in Jessie's touch and pulled reluctantly away from Jessie's lips, causing Jessie's fingers to still._

_They'd been further before, sometimes in little more than underwear, or with hands and lips that wandered everywhere above the waist, or producing enough friction to power a small village. They'd discussed it on several occasions, concurring they weren't ready, and happy to wait till that perfect moment._

_Worried that Jessie was pushing things out of fear of losing her, Katie gazed into Jessie's eyes and tenderly pushed a strand of hair behind her ear._

"_Jess," she paused. "We can't do this for the wrong reasons."_

_Jessie drew her hands up to cup Katie's cheeks, her eyes blazing as she drew her down for a kiss that lit a fire inside Katie with its crystal clear intention._

"_Katie, this has nothing to do with tomorrow or Australia or any other part of the world outside this room. This is because of picnic blankets, because of skirts that don't catch trees, because of Billie Holiday. It's because of hands that can still my panic, arms that make me feel safe, and lips that bring me to life._

"_There are a thousand reasons that I love you Katie, and only one that I need. If you're not ready, that's okay, but I want this. I want you."_

_Jessie used her thumb to wipe the lone tear that spilled from the green eyes staring down at her, and slowly guided Katie's lips back to hers. When their lips connected the world melted away, leaving two hearts, two souls, and two bodies to become one._

--

Katie lay in bed that night thinking about all that had transpired, from her draining conversation with Jessie that had ended on an unsatisfying but amicable note, to pancakes, a shopping expedition and an afternoon drive with Taylor that threatened everything she knew.

Preparing to roll over and sleep, Katie tried to clear her mind until one thought grabbed Katie by the shoulders and shook her upright.

'_I have to do it. I'm going to Australia.'_

--


	9. Hometown Glory

**Title**: Losing Faith  
**Author**: hayden  
**Disclaimer**: as always and with all fanfics, i don't own any of the characters that originated in once and again. ed and marshall deserve all the kudos for their creation. i am merely borrowing them, no infringements intended.  
**Apologies:** i'm sorry that i abandoned this fic for over four years. i hate when fanfic authors do that, and i always promised myself that one day i'd write a conclusion. it's not the conclusion i would have written four years ago, but i think that it does the story justice and i hope you agree

Once her decision had been made, Katie set about putting the wheels into motion. As they approached winter break, she was investigating her options, researching colleges and organizing her finances. The main problem was the uncertainty regarding Jessie's plans - Sydney, Monash and ANU were in three different states as far as she could tell, and Katie had no desire to travel thousands of miles only to find she was still a plane flight away.

She was looking at transferring but Tad had a lot to say about her giving up her place at Georgetown to chase something that was unreliable at best. Instead, he encouraged Katie to turn on her charm and negotiate an early study abroad placement for sophomore year.

If successful, the plan would be to tell Katie's parents that she had been offered an opportunity available only to high-achieving students, which would ensure they were satisfied enough not to question her any further.

Tad, Chelsea and Taylor knew the truth of course, but after expressing their doubts initially, they stood firm behind their friend and kept any niggling worry to themselves. It was the night before Katie and Tad's flight back home for the holidays, and Katie was draped over the couch with Taylor watching a movie.

"Katie?" Taylor ventured during a quiet moment.

"Yeah Tay?"

"Are you sure?"

"Sure that Tad's going to tell Chelsea he loves her on their date tonight? For sure! Boy is whipped," Katie laughed then stopped when she realized Taylor wasn't laughing along with her.

Taylor swallowed, staring straight ahead at the screen while Katie looked at her inquisitively.

"Sure about what, Tay?" Katie asked softly, regarding her friend's nervous appearance.

Keeping her eyes forward so as not to lose her nerve, Taylor managed to get to the point of her question.

"About Australia, you know, and everything."

Confusion crossed Katie's eyes as she tried to get behind the question to her friend's motivation. She was about to ask what Taylor meant when the smaller girl continued.

"It's just you were so hurt, and I don't want to see you get hurt again," she trailed off self-consciously.

Once more Katie started to respond, but Taylor wasn't done.

"I just, I mean you're chasing something that's not, it's not certain, and you have other options and I don't know if you know that but you do," Taylor finished her speech, which hadn't exactly come out how she planned, with her eyes still trained on the screen in front of them.

Katie took a moment to process Taylor's words, and the intention behind them. She couldn't deny that they'd gotten close over the last month. They had been spending a lot of time together since Tad and Chelsea entered their gross honeymoon phase, and she would be lying if she said she didn't have any feelings at all for the quirky, high-strung girl next to her.

Feeling even more anxious over the silence coming from her left, Taylor chanced a brief look at Katie and they locked eyes for a moment before Taylor quickly diverted her attention back to the much safer option of the television.

"Tay, I," Katie began before she was abruptly cut-off.

"Don't worry about it Katie."

Katie reached across and grabbed her friend's hand, causing Taylor to finally pull her gaze away from the movie that they had long since stopped watching.

"Taylor," Katie began again, "listen to me for a minute."

She scooted closer to Taylor on the small couch they were sharing and spoke gently.

"You're one of my best friends, and I wouldn't have thought that would be possible after the way I treated you this year. I'm sorry for that. I don't know if I ever apologized, or at least apologized the way I should have, but I'm sorry," she offered Taylor a small smile, which Taylor returned in acknowledgement of the apology and their less-than-pleasant past.

"I'm also really glad to have you in my life, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. This Australia thing is just what I have to do. If I don't, I'll always be wondering _what if_, you know?"

Taylor smiled and nodded at her friend, receiving a squeeze in return. She understood that logic, if anything it was the same reason that brought her to ask the question of Katie in the first place.

The girls settled back into the couch and watched the rest of the movie in comfortable silence.

The next morning Katie stood outside the open door of a cab, waiting for Tad and Chelsea to finish with their sickeningly sweet goodbyes. She watched them kiss for about the millionth time before launching herself off the cab and bursting in between the lovebirds.

"Tad, it's time to gooooo," she announced as she jumped on Chelsea. "I love you roommate, and I will see you soon. I'm sure you'll rack up a huge phone bill talking to my best friend over Christmas anyway, so we're leaving. Goodbyyyyye," she called out as she dragged Tad back to the cab.

"I'll call you from the airport," Tad called to Chelsea as she giggled at his retreating form and her determined roommate.

"Bye darlings," she called.

It took about half a second after Chelsea faded from view for Tad to whip around and glare at Katie, ready to tell her off, but she just laughed and cut in, "so did you tell her?"

Tad ducked his head and tried to hide the smile on his face, but Katie caught it and began teasing him mercilessly about his _loooooove_ for her roommate. The airport welcome sign couldn't come fast enough for Tad, but Katie wasn't going to let him off the hook that easy and kept tossing off comments all the way up until Tad dropped her off at her parents place.

Walking up the front path to her parents' house, her emotions bubbled just below the surface. Last time she'd been inside those walls she was a totally different person, a shell of a person in fact, and she wasn't keen to go back to that. Taking a deep breath, she pushed through the front door and called out, "I'm home!"

She sighed when she received no response and trudged up to her bedroom, collapsing onto her bed and going through a quick mental countdown. Twenty-four hours until her brothers were scheduled to arrive, Christmas the day after, and then there'd be an excruciating eight more days of familial torture before she and Tad could return to DC.

Her eyes wandered around the small room as she tried to avoid memories of the last time she had spent staring at these same walls. It felt different, smaller somehow - suffocating maybe, even though it was bereft of the empty alcohol bottles and dirty clothes that had littered the floor during that period.

After three hours of deafening silence, she figured her parents had forgotten about her. Suddenly feeling claustrophobic, she pulled her phone out of her pocket.

_Miss me yet? I'm coming over._

It took less than ten seconds for Tad to respond, which Katie assumed was because he had been texting Chelsea. She would have to tease him about that later, but in the meantime she grabbed her wallet, ran her fingers through her hair, and took the stairs two at a time in a desperate effort to escape the house and its memories.

She pulled open the front door and came face-to-face with the bright blue eyes and blonde hair of her ex-girlfriend.

_Jessie_.

Time slowed to a stop.

Katie faltered and, after a sharp intake of breath, froze.

Jessie looked only slightly more comfortable than a rabbit caught in headlights. She hadn't even been sure that Katie would be there, and had been debating whether to knock on the door when it flew open in front of her.

The seconds stretched on as they stood, taking in the each other's presence. All of a sudden the hammering of Jessie's heart overwhelmed her and she launched herself into Katie's arms. The taller girl stiffened at the unexpected contact and then melted into the embrace. It could have been minutes or hours that they stood, unmoving, reveling in the scent and the feel of each other.

Eventually the Jessie-fog started to clear, and questions started to invade Katie's head.

_What is she doing here?_

_Why did she hug me?_

_What does it all mean?_

As the questions and memories poured in, Katie flinched. Jessie's heart constricted as she felt Katie pull away, knowing that she had caused the doubts and questions that were swirling behind Katie's eyes.

"What –"

"Am I doing here?" Jessie cut in. "Eli and I came home to see Mom and Henry for Christmas."

When Katie's expression didn't change, Jessie kept talking, "but I think you probably mean here on your doorstep and well, I don't know exactly. I just ended up here. I have every day since I got home actually, but for some reason I came up to the door this time. I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't…" she trailed off, linking and unlinking her fingers as she tried to figure out what Katie was thinking.

Katie stood, looking into Jessie's shifting, uncertain eyes, for what seemed like an eternity. She wasn't sure if she was punishing Jessie, testing her, or if her brain had just ceased functioning.

Jessie's shoulders hunched, her head started to duck, and she was beginning to think that she should just get out before things got even worse. Not that she was sure how they could be worse. Katie was practically catatonic.

Katie's heart lurched as she watched Jessie turn from her, then thudded hard and strong as Jessie shut the door, turned around, and took three sure-footed steps back to Katie. She slowly reached out towards Katie, as the taller girl's eyes flicked down to her hand in suspicion, and she took Katie's hand in her own. Taking it as a good sign that Katie didn't jerk her hand away immediately, Jessie tugged Katie up the stairs and back into her childhood bedroom.

They sat for several more minutes in silence, Katie facing the edge of the bed and Jessie facing Katie, as each girl tried to find the right words, or any words to express their immense feelings.

Sitting in the room that witnessed so much of her pain, Katie felt a slow surge of anger building inside. She unwittingly began to tremble as the realization sunk in that she was sitting next to the girl that she had once loved with all of her heart and soul; who had shattered it and her in one terrible night; and who, if Katie was honest, still held her broken heart in the palm of her small, pale hand.

Jessie, aching for Katie and her obvious pain, moved closer and put her arms around Katie's body, resting her forehead against Katie's temple and whispering calming words into her ear. As the tears began to fall from Katie's green eyes, Jessie's attempts to soothe her became more frantic; rubbing her hand in circles on Katie's back and 'shhhing' gently. Tears threatened Jessie's eyes as she comforted Katie, until eventually Katie's breathing evened out and her body was calm once again.

Jessie's hand stilled and she fell silent as the air in the room changed. It instantly became heavy and electric as Katie turned her head towards Jessie, while reaching up to hook a finger under her chin. She lifted Jessie's face up to meet hers, their breath mixing for a moment, before Katie closed the gap and lightly pressed her tear-stained lips to Jessie's.

Katie's heart skipped a beat at the feel of Jessie's lips on hers, a feeling she thought she would never experience again. They held still, seemingly afraid to move in case the other changed her mind, until once more Jessie's emotions overcame her and she pulled back from Katie's lips before crashing back into them, pushing all the guilt and sadness and overwhelming love for Katie right into her mouth, hoping that Katie understood all she was trying to say with her lips and her tongue that she'd been unable to say with words.

Their hands became as frantic as their kisses, sliding over any part of the other that they could reach, tugging at shirts and hair and trying to pull each other closer. When Jessie's hand brushed her breast, a wall of doubt hit Katie like a ton of bricks and she pulled back from Jessie, leaving both girls gasping for air.

"Jessie," Katie started. "You can't do this. You can't just come here with no warning or explanation and expect me to just fall back into you like an idiot waiting to get hurt again. You're here for what, a week, and then it's back to the other side of the world and back to a life that I no longer know anything about so that I can what? Fall apart again? No Jessie, that's not fair to me."

"I know, and I'm sorry," Jessie responded. "I know that I can't just walk in and out of your life as I please. I need you to know that I'm not leaving you again. I want to fix what went wrong - what I did," she corrected as she saw Katie's reaction to her misspoken words.

"Jessie, it's not that simple. It will take longer than a week to regain the trust that we lost."

"I know," started the blonde as she reached into her back pocket and handed Katie a folded up letter.

Katie took the letter, glancing up to Jessie's eyes with a questioning look, as she began unfolding. There, on familiar Georgetown letterhead, were the words:

_Dear Miss Sammler,_

_It gives me great pleasure to inform you that the Committee on Admissions has voted to accept your application for admission to Georgetown University. I am happy to offer you a place in the first year class for the spring of 2004._

Katie read and re-read the paragraph five times, before her head rose to meet Jessie's gaze. An apprehensive smile graced her features as she hoped for a good reaction from Katie.

Glancing down at the letter and then searching Jessie's face, Katie was very slowly putting together the pieces of a puzzle without seeing the final picture.

When it became clear that Katie was speechless, Jessie reached for Katie's hand and spoke softly.

"The schools in Australia really are great, but Katie, after months of soul-searching and the stupidest mistake I've ever made in my life, I realized that the only thing in my future that matters is you. I told my Dad about us. Told him that I'm in love with you, and that I'm going to Georgetown because it's an amazing school and I don't want to be away from you anymore. Katie, you're the reason I smile, the woman I love, and the only one I want to be with forever."

When Katie failed to respond again, Jessie pleaded, "please say something."

Slowly a smile spread across Katie's features as the weight of Jessie's words sunk in.

She reached out and placed a hand on Jessie's cheek, looking deep into her eyes and searching for any hint that she was joking, finding none. Sliding her hand down Jessie's arm, she pinched the skin above her elbow.

"Ow," exclaimed Jessie. "What was that for?"

"I wasn't sure if I was dreaming," answered Katie.

"Then it's you that needs pinching, you dork," grinned Jessie and she reached out and pinched Katie's leg.

Katie dissolved into giggles as the weight she'd been carrying around momentarily lifted. She grabbed Jessie, pulling her into her arms and squeezed as tight as she could. Pulling back, she gazed directly into those ocean-blue eyes and, before she could lose herself in them, said "I love you, Jessie. I love you so very much."

"I love you too, Katie," Jessie responded. "More than anything."

"Forever."

"And ever," finished Jessie before capturing Katie's lips in a tender kiss, one that she doubted would end anytime soon. Falling down to the bed in each other's arms, they felt momentarily free.

It wasn't fixed. Far from it, but Katie was confident now that it would be. With Jessie in her arms, and them both headed back to Georgetown to start fresh, Katie knew that they could overcome anything, and would.

In her pocket, her cell vibrated. No doubt it was Tad asking where she was and if she was still coming over. Katie grinned as she composed a reply in her head.

_Guess what?_

~End~


End file.
